"My Why" Story

I remember, at the age of 15, sitting on my bed feeling alone and unsafe. In my hands, I held a personal diary. It was something I’d never had before. As I looked at the blank pages staring back at me, I felt fearful. What could I write in it since many times in the past I had adamantly been told, “Don’t tell or say a word to anybody about this.” However, I found a sense of security build within me as I thought, “Wait, I won’t be telling or saying anything to anybody but myself! This diary is my private space. I’ll be the only one to see and read the truths I put inside of it.” And with that, I picked up my pen and began to enter my emotions and terrifying life events that I was so afraid to share with anyone.

Let me ask you a question before I share my first diary entry. Have you ever had a moment in your life that, when you think back on it, your mind creates a vivid picture of the event down to the environment and lighting of the room? That’s exactly what my mind did at the age of 15 as I began to pen my diary entry and thought about the first time I was told, “Don’t tell anybody.”

Here’s a synopsis of it. I was only five years old. The atmosphere in the house had become so quiet it was palpable. Instinctively, I leaned over and reassured my baby brother that everything would be okay. But that’s when the vicious yelling, loud banging, and physical violence began. I was trembling in fear as we sat at the breakfast table. I was petrified trying to keep it together as the horrifying events escalated around us. I wanted to go tell someone what was happening, but the fierce energy in the room made me realize I dared not tell anyone what had just happened!” My voice and I were silenced.

Over the years, the outlet of writing down all that I had internalized while enduring extreme trauma became second nature to me. Granted, it wasn’t the same as being able to tell a trusted friend about it, however, it did give me a channel and some relief to at least breathe easier for a little while. I began to realize later in my adult life and unveil, at an “appointed time,” a deeper purpose this steady practice of writing down my experiences and feelings truly had.

My “appointed time” was when I started to read all my past diary entries. Reading those secret, unshared, unspoken, yet recorded words I had written revealed the recurring unhealthy life pattern I, myself, had authored and was living. My “Truth Diaries” I had created over the years proved to be a life-long gift I had unknowingly been giving myself. Each word within them woke up a reality within me. I had to break the fearful patterns of my life. This discovery also helped me realize two critically important things. I had to and wanted to change my life for the better and I had the power within me to do it! My “Truth Diaries” and this realization saved my life, changed it for the better, and eventually yet confidently gave me back my voice.

The life-giving-gift I received in those moments is the same gift I desire to give you and others who feel it is safer to be quiet than speak out and break your silence. You can break your silence with your written words, disintegrate the lies within them that you thought true, discover your value, and boldly speak your mind with confident truth.